Weather advisory: unusually strong Meltdown May incoming

I don’t know what the explanation is — warm weather? too many histamines? too much Benadryl? — but we have once again entered Meltdown May, a season in which vulnerable specimens go absolutely wild on social media. We are not even a full week in, and folks, this one looks like a doozy. The Kendrick Lamar / Drake feud escalation alone is a formidable front that threatens to envelop much of the music industry.

But even if you don’t command the follower count of an extraordinarily popular rapper, knowing how to prepare for Meltdown May is the best way to avoid its dangers: becoming the main character of Online.

Warning signs of an incoming meltdown include spending too much time on social media, especially Instagram and Twitter; searching for your own name online; doubling down in a confrontation; and getting mad, red, and nude. If you see a friend displaying warning signs, quickly sever their internet connection and monitor their phone; if there is a call incoming from Isaac Chotiner of The New Yorker, do not allow them to answer. (Those most strongly in the throes of Meltdown May will insist they are prepared for his questions; they are not.)

The changing climate means that Meltdown May gets stronger every year. Excessive Meltdown May events affect everyone, especially on social media. Please monitor your posts closely during this dangerous season. The safest thing to do right now is go outside and enjoy the nice weather.