Rules for Eating at a Restaurant on a Holiday

The first time I had Thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant was at the tail end of the 20th century. My parents had made the trip from Kentucky to Baltimore, and what’s more, they’d offered to pay for my train ticket and dinner at what seemed like an impossibly fancy hotel restaurant buffet, where I loaded my plate with dressing, stewed green beans, rolls, and sweets.

I stared wild-eyed at the dessert towers, and to extract myself from the thought of how messy my pleather purse might get if I filled it with napkin-wrapped slices of sweet potato and pecan pie, I forced my eyes to other tables. Most were packed with families — some booming, boisterous, and at ease in their multigenerational bubble, others palpably about to burst with quiet tension, the clink of utensils against china standing in for conversation.

One solitary couple stood out from the crowd, so elegant and content in their own company that I could not resist their gravity. Servers and bussers bantered with them, leaving their orbit smiling despite the obvious chaos of a holiday lunch shift. Maybe they were regulars. Maybe they were big tippers, palming wads of cash to staff. Maybe they were just vocally mindful of the fact that the people tending to them were, you know, people. It stuck with me.

It wasn’t until 2023 that I experienced my next Thanksgiving at a restaurant — I myself am usually toting insulated bags of collard greens and casseroles to friends’ homes, occasionally after having to work. But last year, my husband, Douglas, and I spent our holiday at Francie, a Michelin-starred bistro in Brooklyn owned by my close friend John Winterman. It was the first time they’d opened for Thanksgiving service, and John was, understandably, nervous. Asking people to work on a holiday that’s so homebound can be a tough thing to do, as he knows from his decades at restaurant work, but necessary for the financial health of the restaurant. I’m also keenly aware that holidays can be an emotional minefield for both servers and those being served — but only one side of that relationship has the freedom to show it. And being the weirdo feelings-sponge that I am, I was hell-bent on trying to be the best customer ever. I asked a few industry friends for counsel.

“If guests choose to be at a restaurant for their holiday meal, be mindful that the staff are sacrificing the basic pleasure of connecting with their loved ones to help them celebrate,” said Cheetie Kumar, owner of Ajja in Raleigh, North Carolina. “Take the spirit of the season, rooted in empathy, in how you approach your experience.”

Travis Milton is the chef at Hickory at Nicewonder Farm & Vineyards in Bristol, Virginia, a mountain resort that’s a popular holiday destination. “The guests staying with us are celebrating with family or having a getaway because the holiday is complicated for them,” he explained. “So being in the restaurant with the guests and my crew, giving thanks and celebrating each other, makes it my favorite day of the year to be here.”

With this in mind, I reassured myself that, if nothing else, we could provide ballast for John. We texted updates to his wife, Jenn (who was spending the holiday with a mountain of Chinese takeout and a Predator movie marathon), and our other friends from Francie’s bar. “It’s packed!” “Would it be weird if I filled my purse with this cranberry mostarda?” (Apparently, some things never change.)

We watched John and his team weave magic around the dining room, and we tucked into our turkey roulade with jus and brown butter–parsnip puree, along with the chestnut dressing that the chef and co-owner, Christopher Cipollone, made to honor his late father. Though he wouldn’t get to sit down to a plate of his own for many more hours, John was in his element. Serving people feeds him — and he made sure his team got fed, too, with Francie’s signature duck leg, turkey, and sides during pre- and post-service family meals. 

In the moments John was able to untangle from the fray, he checked in with us, giving reports from the tables around the room. “That 10-top family didn’t bother with the Thanksgiving prix fixe and just ordered from the regular menu, so we might not even do it next year. I told those parents I could get the kid a plastic cup — that glass was handblown! That guy eating by himself down the bar is a regular; I guess he just wanted some peace this year. Do you want to try the special dessert that Chef made?”

“I’m sure it’s wonderful,” I told him, “but I’m so, so full. See you tomorrow — and save our spot for next year?” He handed me the bag full of our leftovers, and I thanked a passing server for the dozenth time. As I waited for my coat, I suddenly noticed someone running up beside us — a former neighbor. “Hi! I brought my family here because my boyfriend is a sous chef and we wanted to support him. I saw you two, but I didn’t want to interrupt. You must come here a lot. You seem so at home.”

How to give thanks to restaurant workers

Eating at a restaurant on a holiday? Here are  a few things to consider — in addition to tipping generously, of course. 

Give the host an extra-warm greeting

Acknowledgement goes a long way, says Lydia Castro, who runs the New Orleans restaurant Acamaya with her sister, 2022 F&W Best New Chef Ana Castro. “Say hi to the host rather than just saying, ‘Table for two.’ ‘Happy holidays’ goes a long way, too.”

Bring along a taste of home

At the 131-year-old Commander’s Palace — also in New Orleans — co-proprietors Ti Adelaide Martin and her cousin Lally Brennan take pride in seeing families who return year after year, even passing their reservations down to younger family members. The restaurant makes a “holiday-ish” meal for staff, but Martin says it’s especially appreciated when guests go out of their way to thank the team. “Some folks will bring a little homemade treat for their favorite staff. That is always a big hit.” 

Leave a thoughtful note

Employees at Commander’s Palace will often receive hand-written notes from guests expressing their appreciation. Martin will read them aloud at team meetings and post them. “That is like our applause. We read them at our meetings and post them on our board,” says Martin. “We believe we are in the business of making dining memories, but you can make a memory for our team as well.”