Step 1
Toss together 8 oz. sharp cheddar, coarsely grated (about 2 cups), and 4 oz. Gruyère, smoked cheddar, or American cheese, coarsely grated (about 1 cup), in a large bowl with your hands. Sprinkle 1 Tbsp. plus 1 tsp. cornstarch over and toss until cheese is evenly coated. Set cheese mixture aside.
Step 2
Place 4 cups salted pretzels in a large resealable plastic bag; seal and crush with a rolling pin until the texture of coarse breadcrumbs (some larger pieces are okay).
Step 3
Melt 4 Tbsp. unsalted butter in a large Dutch oven or other heavy pot (make sure your pot is wide enough to fit your pasta lengthwise). Add pretzel crumbs and cook, stirring constantly, until browned and crisp, 6–8 minutes. Transfer to a bowl; wipe pot and reserve. Add ⅓ cup finely chopped parsley to pretzel crumbs and season with kosher salt and freshly ground pepper. Set seasoned pretzel crumbs aside.
Step 4
Bring two 12-oz. bottles porter or other dark beer (about 3 cups) and 2½ cups water to a boil in reserved pot. Add 1 lb. bucatini and cook, stirring very gently with a heatproof rubber spatula to keep pasta from breaking, until about half of liquid is absorbed and pasta is very al dente, 7–9 minutes (about 3 minutes less than package directions).
Step 5
Add 1 cup whole milk, 3 Tbsp. Worcestershire sauce, 2 Tbsp. spicy brown mustard, 1 Tbsp. onion powder, 2 tsp. Diamond Crystal or 1¼ tsp. Morton kosher salt, ¼ tsp. cayenne pepper, and remaining 4 Tbsp. unsalted butter to pasta and return to a boil. Cook, stirring often, until pasta is al dente, about 2 minutes (taste a strand to check). Remove from heat and add reserved cheese mixture a handful at a time, stirring with spatula after each addition until mostly melted before adding more. If sauce is too thick, stir in warm water ½ cup at a time until desired consistency is achieved. Taste pasta and season with more salt and pepper if needed.
Step 6
Divide pasta among shallow bowls and top with reserved seasoned pretzel crumbs.
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